1
00:00:02,968 --> 00:00:06,337
[♪]
2
00:01:15,541 --> 00:01:19,377
["hail to the chief" plays,
crowd applauds]
3
00:01:21,280 --> 00:01:22,680
Man:
Kelly bundy,
4
00:01:22,681 --> 00:01:24,116
You have
just been elected
5
00:01:24,117 --> 00:01:26,651
President of
the United States.
6
00:01:26,652 --> 00:01:29,854
What message would you give
to the american people?
7
00:01:29,855 --> 00:01:31,556
Kelly:
Let's dance.
8
00:01:31,557 --> 00:01:35,126
[upbeat dance music playing]
9
00:01:39,698 --> 00:01:40,698
Oh, no.
10
00:01:40,699 --> 00:01:42,934
Not the president
dream again.
11
00:01:44,736 --> 00:01:46,438
Kel?!
12
00:01:46,439 --> 00:01:48,673
Who let the dog
in the white house?
13
00:01:48,674 --> 00:01:50,775
[laughs]
14
00:01:50,776 --> 00:01:52,510
I got a date tonight.
15
00:01:52,511 --> 00:01:53,678
Now...
16
00:01:53,679 --> 00:01:55,213
I need you to smell me,
17
00:01:55,214 --> 00:01:56,414
And tell me
what you think.
18
00:01:58,417 --> 00:01:59,684
Ah.
19
00:01:59,685 --> 00:02:02,820
That daring combination
of noxzema and vaseline.
20
00:02:04,590 --> 00:02:07,325
You know...
It has that sexy
21
00:02:07,326 --> 00:02:09,427
"just out of
the hospital" smell.
22
00:02:10,696 --> 00:02:13,531
It's open sesame,
you idiot.
23
00:02:13,532 --> 00:02:16,567
The official cologne
of buster douglas.
24
00:02:16,568 --> 00:02:19,271
One shot, and you're
down for the count.
25
00:02:19,272 --> 00:02:21,439
Face it, bud.
26
00:02:21,440 --> 00:02:22,941
You're a cootie.
27
00:02:24,543 --> 00:02:26,210
So you have
two choices.
28
00:02:26,211 --> 00:02:27,311
You can either
go out
29
00:02:27,312 --> 00:02:29,313
With the female version
of yourself,
30
00:02:29,314 --> 00:02:32,383
A cootessa...
31
00:02:32,384 --> 00:02:34,385
Or you could try
a human girl,
32
00:02:34,386 --> 00:02:36,520
In which case you're
gonna need money.
33
00:02:43,095 --> 00:02:44,763
I'm home.
34
00:02:44,764 --> 00:02:46,031
[in unison]
money, money, money.
35
00:02:46,032 --> 00:02:47,331
Back, you dogs!
Back, I say!
36
00:02:47,332 --> 00:02:48,800
Sit! Down! Heel!
37
00:02:51,070 --> 00:02:53,038
I don't have any money,
I swear.
38
00:02:53,039 --> 00:02:54,772
[screams]
money, money,
money, money.
39
00:02:54,773 --> 00:02:57,842
No. No. No. Aah-ha.
40
00:02:57,843 --> 00:03:00,244
Jackpot.
[groans]
41
00:03:00,245 --> 00:03:02,347
Kids, wait a minute.
Your old dad's starving.
42
00:03:02,348 --> 00:03:03,682
Could you please
just...
43
00:03:03,683 --> 00:03:04,883
Ah, who cares?
44
00:03:06,752 --> 00:03:08,352
I'll get my woman
to get me some food.
45
00:03:08,353 --> 00:03:09,353
[sighs]
46
00:03:09,354 --> 00:03:11,156
I wonder where
the monster is.
47
00:03:12,792 --> 00:03:14,059
[peg yawns
loudly]
48
00:03:14,060 --> 00:03:16,260
There's the coffin
opening now.
49
00:03:20,733 --> 00:03:21,899
[sighs]
50
00:03:26,105 --> 00:03:27,105
You know...
51
00:03:27,106 --> 00:03:29,040
I really feel good.
52
00:03:29,041 --> 00:03:30,041
Eight hours at night,
53
00:03:30,042 --> 00:03:31,275
Eight hours
during the day.
54
00:03:31,276 --> 00:03:32,544
[chuckles]
55
00:03:32,545 --> 00:03:35,880
So you going to work,
coming home, what?
56
00:03:35,881 --> 00:03:36,815
I'm never sure.
57
00:03:36,816 --> 00:03:38,249
I just go where
the car takes me.
58
00:03:39,351 --> 00:03:42,320
Al, what are we
gonna do tonight?
59
00:03:42,321 --> 00:03:43,421
Peg, I thought
tonight
60
00:03:43,422 --> 00:03:44,989
We might do
something different.
61
00:03:44,990 --> 00:03:46,257
You know
the newlywed couple
62
00:03:46,258 --> 00:03:48,426
At the end
of the block?
63
00:03:48,427 --> 00:03:51,329
I peeked
in their window.
64
00:03:51,330 --> 00:03:53,364
Oh, you're
so kinky, baby.
65
00:03:54,433 --> 00:03:56,100
Peg...
66
00:03:56,101 --> 00:03:58,235
I want to do what
they were doing.
67
00:03:59,871 --> 00:04:00,871
Well, I'm game.
68
00:04:00,872 --> 00:04:02,173
What were they doing?
69
00:04:02,174 --> 00:04:03,441
They were eating!
70
00:04:08,914 --> 00:04:10,314
Like everyone else
on the block.
71
00:04:10,315 --> 00:04:13,217
Like on every other block
all across the country.
72
00:04:13,218 --> 00:04:14,385
Feed me. Feed me.
73
00:04:14,386 --> 00:04:16,187
You don't have any food?
That's all right.
74
00:04:16,188 --> 00:04:19,356
Take an arm, cook it up,
pass the ketchup.
75
00:04:19,357 --> 00:04:21,593
Just feed me.
76
00:04:21,594 --> 00:04:24,596
You know what would
take your mind off of food?
77
00:04:24,597 --> 00:04:26,530
Eating?
78
00:04:26,531 --> 00:04:27,966
No, silly.
79
00:04:27,967 --> 00:04:29,300
Taking me out.
80
00:04:29,301 --> 00:04:30,702
Let's go
to the movies.
81
00:04:30,703 --> 00:04:32,537
I know one
we'd both enjoy.
82
00:04:32,538 --> 00:04:36,274
It's shirley maclaine,
glenn close, meryl streep
83
00:04:36,275 --> 00:04:39,977
And sally struthers
in woody allen's, oh, my head.
84
00:04:42,147 --> 00:04:43,714
Please feed me.
85
00:04:43,715 --> 00:04:45,116
[doorbell
rings]
86
00:04:45,117 --> 00:04:46,250
Get the door,
honey.
87
00:04:46,251 --> 00:04:48,252
No.
88
00:04:48,253 --> 00:04:51,789
It must be that pizza
I ordered for you.
89
00:04:56,662 --> 00:04:58,463
Hi, al.
90
00:04:58,464 --> 00:05:00,931
Well, it's flat and cheesy,
but it's no pizza.
91
00:05:08,874 --> 00:05:10,641
Oh, pizza tonight,
huh?
92
00:05:10,642 --> 00:05:14,479
Save up a few
paychecks, did we?
93
00:05:14,480 --> 00:05:17,582
Peg, it's for you.
It's frosty the no man.
94
00:05:18,650 --> 00:05:19,818
Now, where's my pizza?
95
00:05:19,819 --> 00:05:22,053
Oh. Honey, you couldn't
really believe
96
00:05:22,054 --> 00:05:23,788
I ordered you a pizza.
97
00:05:23,789 --> 00:05:25,456
[laughs]
98
00:05:26,491 --> 00:05:28,993
God, you are
so funny.
99
00:05:28,994 --> 00:05:30,261
What you doing
tonight, peg?
100
00:05:30,262 --> 00:05:31,896
Come on, peg.
101
00:05:31,897 --> 00:05:34,199
You really did order me
a pizza, didn't you?
102
00:05:34,200 --> 00:05:37,635
Oh, of course
I did, honey.
103
00:05:37,636 --> 00:05:38,636
[indistinct speech]
104
00:05:43,109 --> 00:05:46,111
Well, you can see
my evening's entertainment.
105
00:05:46,112 --> 00:05:47,112
What do you
got going?
106
00:05:47,113 --> 00:05:48,213
I'm going dancing.
107
00:05:48,214 --> 00:05:49,880
Hey, since neither
of us has a man,
108
00:05:49,881 --> 00:05:51,282
Why don't you join me?
109
00:05:53,519 --> 00:05:55,853
Gee. I don't know.
110
00:05:55,854 --> 00:05:57,355
You know, peg,
the good thing about it:
111
00:05:57,356 --> 00:05:59,624
If he's more than 20 minutes
late, we get it for free.
112
00:06:07,166 --> 00:06:08,566
Uh...
113
00:06:08,567 --> 00:06:10,801
Dancing, you say?
114
00:06:10,802 --> 00:06:14,439
Al, would you mind
if I went dancing with marcie?
115
00:06:14,440 --> 00:06:16,974
Peg, I don't care if you
marry her and move in with her.
116
00:06:16,975 --> 00:06:19,343
Peg, did you remember
to order extra cheese?
117
00:06:19,344 --> 00:06:21,613
You know, peg,
I love extra cheese.
118
00:06:21,614 --> 00:06:23,448
Yes, I know
you do, honey.
119
00:06:25,317 --> 00:06:27,018
[stomach grumbles]
120
00:06:29,955 --> 00:06:31,689
It's coming.
It's coming.
121
00:06:37,829 --> 00:06:40,831
[big band music playing]
122
00:06:43,502 --> 00:06:44,636
Oh, gee.
123
00:06:45,771 --> 00:06:48,272
I-- I don't know if I
should be here, marce.
124
00:06:48,273 --> 00:06:51,476
I feel guilty having fun
while al's still alive.
125
00:06:53,278 --> 00:06:55,947
There is nothing wrong
with going out
126
00:06:55,948 --> 00:06:57,449
Every now and then
to a classy place
127
00:06:57,450 --> 00:07:00,184
For some good,
innocent fun.
128
00:07:00,185 --> 00:07:02,086
Oh, boys.
129
00:07:02,087 --> 00:07:03,588
Incoming.
130
00:07:05,825 --> 00:07:07,758
Man 1:
Hey, marcie.
131
00:07:07,759 --> 00:07:08,993
Man 2:
You look terrific.
132
00:07:11,864 --> 00:07:13,698
Oh, look at
the desperation.
133
00:07:14,833 --> 00:07:16,634
It's just everywhere.
Huh.
134
00:07:16,635 --> 00:07:19,570
Can people really be so
hard up for human contact?
135
00:07:19,571 --> 00:07:20,705
Wanna dance?
136
00:07:20,706 --> 00:07:21,839
You bet.
137
00:07:24,843 --> 00:07:25,910
Oh.
138
00:07:25,911 --> 00:07:27,311
[giggles]
139
00:07:29,415 --> 00:07:30,615
Gee.
140
00:07:31,617 --> 00:07:34,819
You're so dry.
141
00:07:34,820 --> 00:07:36,888
I didn't know a man
could be so...
142
00:07:36,889 --> 00:07:37,889
So dry.
Ha-ha-ha!
143
00:07:37,890 --> 00:07:39,390
Well, I...
144
00:07:39,391 --> 00:07:41,759
I never knew a woman
could be so red.
145
00:07:41,760 --> 00:07:42,927
[chuckles]
146
00:07:44,930 --> 00:07:45,930
You know...
147
00:07:45,931 --> 00:07:47,765
You dance divinely.
148
00:07:47,766 --> 00:07:48,933
Oh, do you really
think so?
149
00:07:48,934 --> 00:07:50,601
Yeah. I just wonder
if maybe next dance
150
00:07:50,602 --> 00:07:51,903
I could lead?
151
00:07:51,904 --> 00:07:53,905
[laughs]
152
00:07:53,906 --> 00:07:54,906
Oh.
153
00:07:57,709 --> 00:08:00,245
Oh. Oh.
[chuckles]
154
00:08:00,246 --> 00:08:02,080
You know, I haven't
done it in two years.
155
00:08:02,081 --> 00:08:03,882
Oh, yeah. You haven't
danced in two years?
156
00:08:03,883 --> 00:08:05,283
Well, I haven't danced
in 12 years.
157
00:08:05,284 --> 00:08:07,151
[giggles]
158
00:08:11,256 --> 00:08:12,356
Ohh.
159
00:08:12,357 --> 00:08:13,991
Ah.
160
00:08:15,861 --> 00:08:17,061
[sighs]
161
00:08:17,062 --> 00:08:18,730
Hmm. You know,
at first I thought
162
00:08:18,731 --> 00:08:20,064
You were just
being playful,
163
00:08:20,065 --> 00:08:21,466
But I do believe
that's my wallet
164
00:08:21,467 --> 00:08:22,834
You've got
in your hand.
165
00:08:22,835 --> 00:08:25,169
[both laughing]
166
00:08:27,539 --> 00:08:30,608
Oh. I'm sorry.
167
00:08:30,609 --> 00:08:32,643
Ha-ha. Force of habit.
Heh-heh-heh.
Ah.
168
00:08:35,180 --> 00:08:36,246
So...
169
00:08:37,248 --> 00:08:38,783
Where are we going?
170
00:08:40,018 --> 00:08:42,453
Anywhere you want,
babe.
171
00:08:43,588 --> 00:08:44,722
Now, I told you...
172
00:08:44,723 --> 00:08:46,023
When you're with me,
173
00:08:46,024 --> 00:08:48,292
The world is
your oyster.
174
00:08:48,293 --> 00:08:50,594
I'm not getting
on a bus.
175
00:08:51,797 --> 00:08:54,398
And I wanna get fed.
176
00:08:54,399 --> 00:08:56,066
No problem.
177
00:08:58,470 --> 00:09:01,572
Dad, I need
20 bucks, fast.
178
00:09:01,573 --> 00:09:03,374
Look what I got
waiting for me.
179
00:09:05,210 --> 00:09:06,744
She's a tramp.
180
00:09:19,124 --> 00:09:20,825
I love
that cologne.
181
00:09:24,730 --> 00:09:25,930
Yeah, right.
182
00:09:28,634 --> 00:09:30,602
Hi, honey.
I ordered you a pizza.
183
00:09:30,603 --> 00:09:32,803
Ah! No, I'm not falling
for that one.
184
00:09:32,804 --> 00:09:34,272
I was at that window
so long,
185
00:09:34,273 --> 00:09:36,908
The neighborhood kids thought
I was a jack-o'-lantern.
186
00:09:36,909 --> 00:09:39,744
Now feed me or feed me
to something.
187
00:09:39,745 --> 00:09:42,579
I just want to be
part of the food chain.
188
00:09:42,580 --> 00:09:44,548
Al, would you just
forget about food.
189
00:09:44,549 --> 00:09:46,217
Come dancing with me.
190
00:09:46,218 --> 00:09:47,251
It'll be fun.
191
00:09:47,252 --> 00:09:49,120
You can hold me
like you used to.
192
00:09:49,121 --> 00:09:50,221
Oh, come on, peg.
193
00:09:50,222 --> 00:09:52,790
That was after a six-pack
and a dare.
194
00:09:54,526 --> 00:09:55,526
Well, all right.
195
00:09:55,527 --> 00:09:57,528
I'll go dancing
by myself.
196
00:09:57,529 --> 00:09:58,929
But I'm
warning you.
197
00:09:58,930 --> 00:10:02,033
It's getting harder and harder
to fend off the men.
198
00:10:02,034 --> 00:10:03,200
Well, peg, I trust you.
199
00:10:03,201 --> 00:10:05,570
But if you do meet another man,
you must promise me this:
200
00:10:05,571 --> 00:10:07,839
Don't feed him,
because that would really hurt.
201
00:10:09,575 --> 00:10:11,309
You stink.
202
00:10:11,310 --> 00:10:12,744
Wash my socks.
203
00:10:14,246 --> 00:10:15,446
[door closes]
204
00:10:15,447 --> 00:10:18,682
[humming
"hail to the chief"]
205
00:10:22,988 --> 00:10:24,756
Dad?
206
00:10:24,757 --> 00:10:27,591
How come you let mom
go dancing all the time?
207
00:10:27,592 --> 00:10:29,893
Well, pumpkin, that's just
something married people do
208
00:10:29,894 --> 00:10:32,029
Now and then so they don't
have to see each other.
209
00:10:32,030 --> 00:10:33,730
Well, every time
that mom goes out,
210
00:10:33,731 --> 00:10:36,133
She asks if
it's okay with you.
211
00:10:36,134 --> 00:10:38,035
It's because she
wants you to say,
212
00:10:38,036 --> 00:10:41,072
"don't go. Stay here with me.
I love you."
213
00:10:41,073 --> 00:10:43,174
See, sometimes people
just test you
214
00:10:43,175 --> 00:10:44,575
To see whether or not
you care.
215
00:10:45,743 --> 00:10:48,312
Anyhow, um...
I'm going out.
216
00:10:48,313 --> 00:10:51,115
I've got a date
with three bikers.
217
00:10:51,116 --> 00:10:52,716
One of them just
got out of prison.
218
00:10:53,952 --> 00:10:55,219
I probably won't be home
219
00:10:55,220 --> 00:10:56,887
Till about 3 or 4
in the morning.
220
00:11:00,592 --> 00:11:02,326
Have a nice
time, honey.
221
00:11:14,606 --> 00:11:17,341
Gee, I hope that wasn't
a desperate cry for help.
222
00:11:19,310 --> 00:11:21,579
Oh, well.
At least I'm alone.
223
00:11:21,580 --> 00:11:22,880
[doorbell rings]
224
00:11:24,583 --> 00:11:26,517
Well, I hope that's
a jehovah witness...
225
00:11:29,220 --> 00:11:32,656
Wanting to discuss hours of
philosophical observation.
226
00:11:36,661 --> 00:11:37,862
You al bundy?
227
00:11:37,863 --> 00:11:39,964
Yes. Hold the applause.
228
00:11:39,965 --> 00:11:41,099
What do you want?
229
00:11:41,100 --> 00:11:42,500
I just think
you ought to know,
230
00:11:42,501 --> 00:11:45,002
That your wife has been
seeing my husband.
231
00:11:51,510 --> 00:11:54,011
Let me get this straight.
Pardon the expression.
232
00:11:58,383 --> 00:12:01,151
You say that
your husband
233
00:12:01,152 --> 00:12:02,587
Is running around
with my wife.
234
00:12:02,588 --> 00:12:03,688
Yes.
235
00:12:03,689 --> 00:12:05,289
Your husband?
236
00:12:05,290 --> 00:12:06,958
Yes.
237
00:12:06,959 --> 00:12:09,293
You know you're
a guy, right?
238
00:12:10,229 --> 00:12:12,096
Yes.
239
00:12:12,097 --> 00:12:14,398
Well, then, we got three guys
that won't touch my wife.
240
00:12:14,399 --> 00:12:15,733
What's the problem?
241
00:12:16,769 --> 00:12:18,870
It's andy.
242
00:12:18,871 --> 00:12:21,505
I'm afraid that he's
slipping away from me.
243
00:12:21,506 --> 00:12:24,608
You see,
before me...
244
00:12:24,609 --> 00:12:26,077
[sobbing]
he had a woman.
245
00:12:28,013 --> 00:12:29,981
Well, before my wife,
I had a woman too.
246
00:12:31,650 --> 00:12:34,484
You don't understand.
This is serious.
247
00:12:34,485 --> 00:12:36,887
He's been leaving the house
every Tuesday and Thursday.
248
00:12:36,888 --> 00:12:38,789
I trail him
in the station wagon.
249
00:12:38,790 --> 00:12:40,758
They dance all night,
they giggle.
250
00:12:40,759 --> 00:12:42,660
She dips him,
she lifts him.
251
00:12:42,661 --> 00:12:44,194
She tosses him
around the room
252
00:12:44,195 --> 00:12:46,630
Like godzilla
with a railroad car.
253
00:12:46,631 --> 00:12:48,900
Oh, my god. What did I do
to deserve this?
254
00:12:48,901 --> 00:12:52,336
Uh, easy, big fella.
Easy there.
255
00:12:52,337 --> 00:12:55,339
I'm sure we can
figure out what happened.
256
00:12:55,340 --> 00:12:58,075
Maybe your guy isn't getting
what he needs at home.
257
00:12:59,878 --> 00:13:01,278
Oh, no, our sex is great.
258
00:13:01,279 --> 00:13:02,713
I don't want to
hear about that.
259
00:13:05,884 --> 00:13:07,118
Do you cook
for him?
260
00:13:07,119 --> 00:13:07,985
Every day.
261
00:13:07,986 --> 00:13:09,052
My mother always said,
262
00:13:09,053 --> 00:13:11,254
"a happy man
is a well-fed man."
263
00:13:11,255 --> 00:13:14,458
And I do feed my man,
I'll tell you that.
264
00:13:14,459 --> 00:13:16,760
[stomach grumbles]
265
00:13:21,433 --> 00:13:22,433
Well...
266
00:13:22,434 --> 00:13:23,700
No, yeah, yeah.
267
00:13:23,701 --> 00:13:27,371
Uh...We'd like to know
what you make for him.
268
00:13:27,372 --> 00:13:28,972
Well, tonight,
for example,
269
00:13:28,973 --> 00:13:30,708
I made him
a nice, juicy steak.
270
00:13:30,709 --> 00:13:32,209
[stomach grumbles]
271
00:13:33,678 --> 00:13:35,413
Mm-hm. And, uh,
what else?
272
00:13:35,414 --> 00:13:37,615
Uh, nice baked potato.
273
00:13:37,616 --> 00:13:38,983
You made it yourself?
274
00:13:38,984 --> 00:13:40,550
It's-- it's not the kind
where he has
275
00:13:40,551 --> 00:13:43,821
To go to the door and wait,
and the potato never comes?
276
00:13:43,822 --> 00:13:45,155
Uh, no.
277
00:13:45,156 --> 00:13:47,825
But that's terrible
when that happens.
278
00:13:47,826 --> 00:13:49,493
Well...Maybe he's
just tired
279
00:13:49,494 --> 00:13:50,494
Of you sitting
at home
280
00:13:50,495 --> 00:13:51,562
While he's out
working.
281
00:13:51,563 --> 00:13:52,663
No, I work.
282
00:13:52,664 --> 00:13:55,199
I'm an office manager,
40 thou a year.
283
00:13:55,200 --> 00:13:56,700
That bastard!
284
00:13:58,770 --> 00:14:00,470
Guys like that
deserve what they get.
285
00:14:00,471 --> 00:14:01,539
He's getting your wife.
286
00:14:01,540 --> 00:14:03,541
Well, let the punishment
fit the crime.
287
00:14:08,713 --> 00:14:10,147
I don't know.
288
00:14:10,148 --> 00:14:11,815
Maybe it's my fault.
289
00:14:11,816 --> 00:14:13,416
Andy's a man
about town,
290
00:14:13,417 --> 00:14:14,952
Whereas I just
like to stay home
291
00:14:14,953 --> 00:14:16,120
And watch
a ball game.
292
00:14:16,121 --> 00:14:17,655
Wait a second.
293
00:14:17,656 --> 00:14:19,423
Wait a second.
294
00:14:19,424 --> 00:14:21,592
You-- you work,
you cook...
295
00:14:21,593 --> 00:14:23,293
And you like
sports?
296
00:14:23,294 --> 00:14:24,462
Yeah.
297
00:14:24,463 --> 00:14:25,529
Except for soccer.
298
00:14:25,530 --> 00:14:27,765
I mean, that's not
really a man's game.
299
00:14:32,804 --> 00:14:34,204
I love you.
300
00:14:39,711 --> 00:14:42,713
[slow jazz music playing]
301
00:14:44,449 --> 00:14:46,083
You know, I just
don't understand it.
302
00:14:48,186 --> 00:14:50,588
I mean, I know that
andy's crazy about me,
303
00:14:50,589 --> 00:14:52,990
And yet he hasn't
made a move on me.
304
00:14:52,991 --> 00:14:55,192
He's been
a total gentleman. Huh.
305
00:14:55,193 --> 00:14:56,527
What's wrong with him?
306
00:14:56,528 --> 00:14:58,762
Oh, who cares?
307
00:14:58,763 --> 00:15:01,198
You gotta see
this guy's tattoo.
308
00:15:02,133 --> 00:15:03,500
It's a ship.
309
00:15:04,669 --> 00:15:06,736
You should see
his sub.
310
00:15:11,376 --> 00:15:14,178
You know, it's not like I wanna
do anything with andy.
311
00:15:14,179 --> 00:15:16,713
I just want to turn him on,
drive him wild,
312
00:15:16,714 --> 00:15:19,049
Make him sweat,
and then say no.
313
00:15:20,252 --> 00:15:22,519
Just like I always meant to
in high school.
314
00:15:27,959 --> 00:15:29,527
[sighs]
315
00:15:29,528 --> 00:15:31,595
Hiya, beautiful.
316
00:15:32,731 --> 00:15:35,633
[upbeat latin music playing]
317
00:15:36,200 --> 00:15:37,701
Oh.
318
00:15:37,702 --> 00:15:40,671
So, uh, do you
find me...
319
00:15:42,240 --> 00:15:43,341
Beautiful?
320
00:15:43,342 --> 00:15:44,942
I think...
321
00:15:44,943 --> 00:15:46,343
You are
the most beautiful woman
322
00:15:46,344 --> 00:15:47,377
I've ever known.
323
00:15:47,378 --> 00:15:48,412
Except for
my mother.
324
00:15:48,413 --> 00:15:50,447
And, of course,
judy garland.
325
00:15:53,318 --> 00:15:57,287
Oh, andy. You're
embarrassing me. Ha-ha-ha!
326
00:15:59,057 --> 00:16:02,326
Um...I've got something
to tell you.
327
00:16:02,327 --> 00:16:05,129
I bet you do.
328
00:16:05,130 --> 00:16:06,998
[laughs]
329
00:16:06,999 --> 00:16:08,366
Ahh.
330
00:16:08,367 --> 00:16:09,700
Well, I wanna
be honest with you,
331
00:16:09,701 --> 00:16:12,670
Because you've always been
honest with me, lola.
332
00:16:12,671 --> 00:16:14,404
Oh, andy.
333
00:16:14,405 --> 00:16:16,574
I know what it is
that you have to say.
334
00:16:16,575 --> 00:16:19,209
But before your passion
bursts into flame,
335
00:16:19,210 --> 00:16:20,845
I have to tell you:
336
00:16:20,846 --> 00:16:23,647
You can't have me,
because, uh...
337
00:16:23,648 --> 00:16:25,382
I'm engaged.
338
00:16:26,985 --> 00:16:29,620
Oh...All right.
339
00:16:29,621 --> 00:16:30,988
I'm married.
340
00:16:30,989 --> 00:16:33,924
I have a confession
to make too.
341
00:16:33,925 --> 00:16:35,359
I'm also married.
342
00:16:35,360 --> 00:16:37,361
You pig.
343
00:16:37,362 --> 00:16:40,031
You've got a lot of nerve
leading me on.
344
00:16:40,032 --> 00:16:41,064
I didn't mean to.
345
00:16:41,065 --> 00:16:42,866
I just-- I just wanted
to have a good time,
346
00:16:42,867 --> 00:16:44,368
And, you know,
get out of the house.
347
00:16:44,369 --> 00:16:46,036
Besides, just because
you're married
348
00:16:46,037 --> 00:16:47,304
Doesn't mean
you're dead.
349
00:16:47,305 --> 00:16:49,406
It doesn't mean
you're alive either.
350
00:16:53,845 --> 00:16:54,879
Oh.
351
00:16:56,647 --> 00:16:58,982
You know, the one good thing
about us both being married is,
352
00:16:58,983 --> 00:17:02,520
It sort of takes the pressure
out of this flirtation.
Yeah.
353
00:17:02,521 --> 00:17:05,221
I mean, you don't have to
worry about turning me on,
354
00:17:05,222 --> 00:17:07,190
And I don't have to worry
about turning you on.
355
00:17:07,191 --> 00:17:08,224
[laughs]
356
00:17:14,398 --> 00:17:16,066
But if that
should happen,
357
00:17:16,067 --> 00:17:18,802
Then that's just something
you'll have to deal with.
358
00:17:29,113 --> 00:17:31,081
[animal-like grunts]
359
00:17:32,851 --> 00:17:35,919
Oh, I like to see a man
enjoying his food.
360
00:17:35,920 --> 00:17:36,653
Mmm-um.
361
00:17:36,654 --> 00:17:37,921
Want some cake?
[grunting]
362
00:17:42,827 --> 00:17:44,595
Hey...
363
00:17:44,596 --> 00:17:46,564
It's warm.
364
00:17:46,565 --> 00:17:48,332
Yeah. I just baked it.
365
00:17:48,333 --> 00:17:50,000
I'm sorry about
using a dog dish,
366
00:17:50,001 --> 00:17:51,469
But you have no plates.
367
00:17:51,470 --> 00:17:53,003
That's okay.
368
00:17:53,004 --> 00:17:54,604
See?
369
00:17:54,605 --> 00:17:56,506
It says my name
on the side.
370
00:18:02,647 --> 00:18:04,714
What are you sitting
all the way over there for?
371
00:18:04,715 --> 00:18:05,715
Come
over here.
372
00:18:09,187 --> 00:18:10,887
Mmm. Mmm.
[sighs]
373
00:18:10,888 --> 00:18:12,622
Mm.
374
00:18:12,623 --> 00:18:14,558
Al, you gotta help me.
375
00:18:14,559 --> 00:18:16,427
I want my husband back.
376
00:18:16,428 --> 00:18:18,562
Isn't there any way
you can talk to him?
377
00:18:19,831 --> 00:18:22,899
Hm, uh, I don't know, pete.
What about us?
378
00:18:25,603 --> 00:18:27,972
Won't that interfere
with our quality time?
379
00:18:27,973 --> 00:18:30,607
No. No, no, al.
I'll make time.
380
00:18:30,608 --> 00:18:32,343
I'll make time for you.
381
00:18:32,344 --> 00:18:33,944
We'll go to
a ball game.
382
00:18:33,945 --> 00:18:35,679
I'll make us
a picnic basket...
383
00:18:35,680 --> 00:18:37,781
With crispy
fried chicken.
384
00:18:37,782 --> 00:18:40,017
[laughs]
huh?
385
00:18:40,018 --> 00:18:42,186
Huh?
386
00:18:42,187 --> 00:18:43,921
I'll even get you
your very own bowl.
387
00:18:43,922 --> 00:18:45,889
My own dog bowl?
388
00:18:45,890 --> 00:18:47,558
With just
my name on it?
389
00:18:47,559 --> 00:18:49,292
It sounds too good
to be true, but--
390
00:18:49,293 --> 00:18:51,262
You're not just saying that,
are you, pete?
391
00:18:51,263 --> 00:18:53,631
I'm not
a food tease, al.
392
00:18:53,632 --> 00:18:54,998
I'll fry for you,
393
00:18:54,999 --> 00:18:57,000
If you can
get my man back.
394
00:18:58,069 --> 00:18:59,736
I'll do it.
395
00:18:59,737 --> 00:19:01,038
To you, al.
396
00:19:03,608 --> 00:19:05,409
To us.
397
00:19:05,410 --> 00:19:06,977
[slow jazz playing]
398
00:19:06,978 --> 00:19:08,078
A shoe salesman?
399
00:19:08,079 --> 00:19:10,814
Come on. Nobody's
a shoe salesman.
400
00:19:10,815 --> 00:19:12,416
[laughs]
401
00:19:12,417 --> 00:19:15,052
Well, he thought he'd
start at the bottom
402
00:19:15,053 --> 00:19:16,053
And stay there.
403
00:19:16,054 --> 00:19:17,254
[both laugh]
404
00:19:17,255 --> 00:19:18,655
Ah.
405
00:19:23,028 --> 00:19:24,695
Oh, my god,
it's al.
406
00:19:24,696 --> 00:19:26,497
I'm out of here.
No, you're not.
407
00:19:26,498 --> 00:19:27,697
Hold me tight.
408
00:19:27,698 --> 00:19:28,765
Maybe he'll get jealous
409
00:19:28,766 --> 00:19:30,367
And finally show me
some attention.
410
00:19:30,368 --> 00:19:31,669
No. He's awfully big.
411
00:19:31,670 --> 00:19:32,803
Yes, and he's tough too.
412
00:19:32,804 --> 00:19:34,738
But don't worry,
I won't let him hurt you.
413
00:19:36,541 --> 00:19:38,008
How dare you.
414
00:19:38,009 --> 00:19:40,176
Oh, al.
415
00:19:40,177 --> 00:19:41,645
I'm so glad
you're here.
416
00:19:41,646 --> 00:19:43,847
The things
he wanted me to do.
417
00:19:43,848 --> 00:19:45,749
Kick a hole
in him, honey.
418
00:19:48,053 --> 00:19:49,420
Is your name andy?
419
00:19:49,421 --> 00:19:50,254
Yes, sir.
420
00:19:50,255 --> 00:19:52,056
Get over there!
421
00:19:52,057 --> 00:19:53,390
Ooh, marcie.
422
00:19:53,391 --> 00:19:55,759
Al's gonna kick the hell
out of andy.
423
00:19:57,094 --> 00:19:58,829
He does care.
424
00:19:58,830 --> 00:20:01,198
Look, I don't care what
you're doing with my wife.
425
00:20:03,401 --> 00:20:04,868
But you got
a good man at home
426
00:20:04,869 --> 00:20:07,170
That any man would be
proud to call his wife.
427
00:20:08,906 --> 00:20:11,274
He cooks, he cleans,
he works.
428
00:20:11,275 --> 00:20:12,576
You've obviously
gotten over
429
00:20:12,577 --> 00:20:14,445
That little
"he's a man" thing.
430
00:20:16,147 --> 00:20:18,249
So, what else do you want
from the poor guy?
431
00:20:18,250 --> 00:20:19,215
Oh, marcie.
432
00:20:19,216 --> 00:20:22,019
Al's so cute
when he's jealous.
433
00:20:22,020 --> 00:20:24,020
Now, I'm the one that
ought to be going out at night.
434
00:20:24,021 --> 00:20:26,056
I'm married to that
over there.
435
00:20:26,057 --> 00:20:28,625
But you... You ought to be
home with a man
436
00:20:28,626 --> 00:20:31,261
Who can bake a potato
like nobody's business.
437
00:20:32,630 --> 00:20:34,398
You had pete's potato?
438
00:20:38,370 --> 00:20:39,903
I did.
439
00:20:39,904 --> 00:20:41,705
And I would have had
his peach cobbler too,
440
00:20:41,706 --> 00:20:43,674
If the damn dog didn't come
get his bowl back.
441
00:20:45,477 --> 00:20:46,510
Now you go home
and tell
442
00:20:46,511 --> 00:20:47,778
Your wife that
you love him.
443
00:20:47,779 --> 00:20:49,279
[sighs]
444
00:20:49,280 --> 00:20:50,313
You're right, al.
445
00:20:50,314 --> 00:20:51,849
And if you don't mind
my saying so,
446
00:20:51,850 --> 00:20:53,651
You should go tell
your wife you love her.
447
00:20:53,652 --> 00:20:55,519
Mind your own business.
Sorry.
448
00:20:56,521 --> 00:20:57,454
[clears throat]
449
00:20:57,455 --> 00:20:58,856
Well...
450
00:20:58,857 --> 00:21:00,591
Guess I've got a wife
to go talk to.
451
00:21:00,592 --> 00:21:02,792
Oh, yeah.
Me too.
452
00:21:13,071 --> 00:21:16,473
Well...Mr. I-don't-care-
what-you-do.
453
00:21:16,474 --> 00:21:18,108
Paint you green.
454
00:21:18,109 --> 00:21:19,443
You were jealous.
455
00:21:19,444 --> 00:21:21,478
Uh, I was not jealous.
456
00:21:21,479 --> 00:21:22,712
Was too.
457
00:21:22,713 --> 00:21:23,981
Admit you care.
458
00:21:23,982 --> 00:21:25,415
Oh...
459
00:21:25,416 --> 00:21:27,184
Would that make you happy?
460
00:21:27,185 --> 00:21:28,952
Yes.
461
00:21:28,953 --> 00:21:31,821
Uh. I care.
462
00:21:33,024 --> 00:21:34,525
I'm not convinced.
463
00:21:34,526 --> 00:21:36,427
That's because
I don't care.
464
00:21:37,629 --> 00:21:38,495
Come and dance
with me.
465
00:21:38,496 --> 00:21:40,030
Oh, I care,
I care.
466
00:21:40,031 --> 00:21:42,299
Too late. Too late.
467
00:21:47,238 --> 00:21:49,907
Gee, andy was real
good-looking, huh?
468
00:21:49,908 --> 00:21:53,811
I'm trying to
count here, peg.
469
00:21:53,812 --> 00:21:55,979
You know, this ought to be
a lesson to you, al.
470
00:21:55,980 --> 00:21:58,648
If you don't want me,
there's plenty of guys that do.
471
00:21:58,649 --> 00:21:59,816
Right, peg.
472
00:22:01,018 --> 00:22:03,386
You should have seen
the way he looked at me.
473
00:22:03,387 --> 00:22:05,956
He wanted me bad.
474
00:22:05,957 --> 00:22:08,324
Mm. Everybody wants
you bad, peg.
475
00:22:08,325 --> 00:22:10,560
Every one of us.
476
00:22:10,561 --> 00:22:13,563
Oh, admit you're lucky
to have me as your wife.
477
00:22:13,564 --> 00:22:15,265
I could've had anyone.
478
00:22:15,266 --> 00:22:18,501
I could've had andy at
the snap of a finger. Heh-heh.
479
00:22:18,502 --> 00:22:21,671
He was sexy.
He was hot.
480
00:22:21,672 --> 00:22:23,206
He was...
481
00:22:23,207 --> 00:22:25,508
He was a homo,
peg.
482
00:22:40,725 --> 00:22:42,659
[♪]